


if you only knew

by sockhead



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Slow Build, childhood AU, confusions of sexuality, tags will be updated as story goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-12-15 22:03:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11815080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockhead/pseuds/sockhead
Summary: Isak and Even have always loved each other, even if that meant they'd have to struggle to know what it meant while growing.Or,The one where Isak and Even never met at Nissen but instead grew up together. (The childhood AU no one asked for)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi there! so i know that i write a lot of fics, and i have like two other fics i need to update but this has been on my mind so much. 
> 
> i have gained so much inspiration from other childhood fanfics, and youtube videos so i decided to take my own spin on this. it'll be in isak's pov and most of in the first two chapters will be told from second point of view. it will be very heavy as time goes on, but i wanted to give a vibe on what it was. it's underage, so if you do not want to see things such as kissing and other themes, i'd advise to stray away but don't worry, the naughty won't happen until later. 
> 
> i'm so nervous about this, because writing younger versions of them is so hard, but i hope that you all enjoy this. the story will end up being 45k because chapters will bump up to 10k per chapter and be about 5 chapters. love you all. any fics i haven't updated will be soon, i promise. also, i do not have a beta and i kind of suck with english so please be aware that it may be confusing! so sorry:(
> 
> (tw: bullying, gay slurs, fighting, homophobia) (pls read it's v mild)

Growing up in suburbia of Oslo, Norway was a factor in Isak’s identity, playing a vital role in shaping him into the boy that he was now. The experiences, the words that spill from his petals, all the way to the relationships that he created. He had plenty of friends, enough for Isak to not become overwhelmed with the amount and a little bit of deciding that he is content with the handful. The street he grew up on always smelled of lemonade and pine sol, despite a number of fossil fuels that spewed from the cars from the parked cars. It was a quiet area, not too much commotion – it was the perfect place to raise a child especially in the eyes of the mass of families.

And that’s exactly what it was; perfect. Isak had fond memories of his childhood, especially the ways that his parent had devoted their lives to their only child. Isak had been a miracle baby, his parents had been dreaming of a child and were hit with the news that in order for his mother, Marianne, to have any children – she would have to have treatment. It was two months later after the appointment at the doctor when she found out she was pregnant with Isak. His father would often tell him many stories to him of his birth and how excited they were to have such a beautiful boy to raise. Perhaps it did motivate him to do well in school for that very reason; not wanting to whisk his life away whenever it had been so rare. His very first memory had been of his parents singing to him asleep. His very first words had been a sentence, ‘love papa and mama’, and it was the picture-perfect family. He never had to worry about the subject of divorce. Isak remembered a few parents divorcing on his street because the children of them had been his friends, who he did not remember – but it still always made him feel sympathy for them. Especially due to the fact that the concept baffled him.

Other than that, life on his street had been rather content. As if nothing could possibly come and break it. Isak had been secluded into his household and the front of his yard for most of his childhood. He did indeed live in the most run-down home on the block, but it did not mean that it was not home. His home had been the only one on the whole street that was one story. The yard had brown spots along with weeds growing all over but it was them. Nothing perfect, not having to mask the truth of their family, it had been the character of the family of three. The only person who had come over the most was Eva Mohn and her mother. Mrs. Mohn and his parents had been close friends from the moment they had moved in. Eva had even taken baths with him after a long day of play in the yard, she also had owned a matching toy-car that had allowed for them to drive them itself, the kicking of the feet truly built into the two of them racing up and down his driveway. Some nights, Eva would spend the night with him for a reason he did not understand when he was little. She was like the dolls that she’d play with, soft and pretty but it was not enough for him to become infatuated. Although he’d often listen to the duo’s parents joke about them perhaps one day falling in love, the thought had his stomach ache. He’d told his mom that he did not feel good, which earned him an inspection of his health. She concluded that he was certainly okay, nothing out of the norm was to be affecting him. The feeling that he felt was also part of his first memories; the thought of love and girls. He’d tell himself it was only cooties.

It was the summer of ’03 truly shook his existence. The summer that a new family moved to the block. The boy was two years older than Isak and towered over him. He moved to the house left of him which also happened to be the largest house on the block, it even had a pool that Isak would often peek over to look at the moment that the house was finished with renovations. He could dream of owning a house with a pool, but the last thing that Isak could expect was for someone to actually move in with a child. Isak had been sat crisscross on his yard playing with a lizard that had been gliding along the grass and it appeared to have taken a liking to him, due to the fact that it crawled onto his lap. It happened on more than one occasion – animals finding comfort in him and all he could is make sure he was gentle enough to be chosen. His pappa often joked around that he would be spared by animals, which always made him scrunch his eyebrows up in confusion. It was the sound of an engine that had grabbed his attention, hues finding the moving truck pulling up onto the curb. Being curious, Isak scoots his petite body further down the yard, settling at a spot where he could get a better view of the people who had just pulled up. The lizard is crawling up his arm but Isak can pay no attention, curiosity taking the best of his attention span. It seemed boring to Isak until the moment a boy slid out of the vehicle and it was in the moment that an unfamiliar fluttering took over the pit of his stomach. It was the first time that Isak had found a human besides his mamma and Eva to be beautiful. Isak was aware that only girls had been known to be beautiful, but this stranger had _certainly_ been an exception to the rule.

Isak was captivated by the boy. Isak should’ve been focusing on the lizard and be in awe of the fact that it had been crawling around Isak, but all Isak could focus on was the stranger who had been giggling at whatever his sister had said to him. Isak decided in that moment that he would want to hear his giggling again, but Isak still could not make sense of why he was so attentive to this stranger. The next thing Isak remembers is the feeling of the lizard managing to bite down on his forearm and the loud sob that escaped his lips soon after. The lizard quickly scurries off, leaving Isak to place a hand over the spot that had just been tainted. Isak’s sobs do indeed catch the attention of the boy and the boy seems to be awestruck by Isak, or maybe Isak is imagining it. The stranger appears to be running inside, and it only causes Isak to sob more due to embarrassment. He remembers his mamma running out and picking up Isak into her warm embrace and it’s the last time he sees the boy.

It’s a week later when he sees the boy again. Isak had recovered from the assault, a Hello Kitty band-aid sealed over it. His pappa had set up a blow-up pool in their driveway to help beat the heat. It’s one of Isak’s favorite thing about summer, especially due to the fact that Eva also tags along to join in. His pappa has finished tugging on his bathing suit bottoms and placing the goggles on the top of his head whenever the sound of bells is chirping. Isak moves his body to have his back pressed against his pappa’s shoulder only to find that the bikes have come to a halt and the angel of a boy is in the middle of what appears to be his family. His pappa is quickly standing up, placing Isak on his shoulders as he does so as he hears a chirping voice,

“Good afternoon, Mr. Valtersen!” A woman greets.

His pappa is walking down to the group of people before halting before speaking,

“Well hello, Næsheim family. Is this the lovely family you told me about the other way?” His pappa questions. Before Isak can protest, he’s being settled onto the concrete and instead of standing in front of the strangers, he’ll quickly move himself to hide behind his pappa’s legs to avoid the looks of the family.

The woman is getting off the bike, parking it so she can reach around to place her hands on her hips. “Is this little Isak? He is such a doll, I miss when Even was this little.”

So, the little boy’s name is Even. It fits him, even if Isak has no idea what it meant during his younger ages. Even seems to be trying to squeeze his gaze between his father’s legs to examine him, so the only solution is to fit himself to the front of his father, settling on his feet to lean back against him.

“He’s our little one, that’s for sure. What is the family up to today?” His pappa questions.

It’s not the woman who speaks next, but the older male who is probably Even’s pappa as well, “We were thinking of having a barbeque if you’d like to join us? We invited the Mohn’s and a couple of other families on the block later in the afternoon. Besides, Even here needs some buddies, probably getting tired of his sister.” It’s fond, not at all of a tease.

The blush that creeps on Even’s temples has Isak making a mental note to himself to make him turn all red, just like the cherries that his mamma feeds him after he’s injured himself on occasions.

“Dad – don’t be mean.” He pouts, and it earns a giggle from the adults.

“Yes, Terje! We’d love to have you there, especially your wife. I need some girlfriends now that we’ve moved out of the city.” She states.

His pappa nods as he picks Isak up from his spot on his feet, settling Isak on his hip (he’s still tiny for his age), “We will be there, can’t wait to see you.” His pappa confirms.

It’s three hours into the barbeque that Even finally speaks to Isak. Isak had been wishing on the first star that he saw that very night for Even to do so. Since he’s secluded to the shallow end of the pool while the rest of the kids have been swimming in circles towards the deep-end, Isak grumbles due to the fact that because his parents only let him in the blow-up pool, he hasn’t really had any learning experience. Sitting on the steps in his floaties, he’s kicking at the water when Even plops onto the spot right next to him,

“Hi Isak.” Even greets, baring his pearly-whites that have Isak trying his best not to blush. He’s pretty – so pretty.

It’s a minute after and a tilt of the head from Even whenever he realizes that he hadn’t said anything back,

“Halla, Even. Why you not swim with big kids?” Sure, Even doesn’t seem to look any older than Isak but it doesn’t make up for the fact that Isak is the smallest person at the party – even his _dogs_ are bigger than him!

“They’re not fun, I thought we could play.” Even offers, stepping down the steps to settle on the pool floor, looking up at him.

Isak only nods, slowly scooting down to the third step that almost has him in full before he crosses his arm off his chest. Isak doesn’t have to confess anything about not being able to swim because Even is putting his palms out of his Isak,

“It’s okay you can’t swim, I’ll teach!” Even proclaims, puffing out his chest as he does so which earns a giggle from Isak.

They become best friends after that.

**~** **♡** **~ ~** **♡** **~ ~** **♡** **~**

It’s two years later when Isak learned that he would be attending the same primary school as Even. Since Isak was six, it meant that he’d finally be able to attend school. His mamma told him that he’d probably be the top of his grade, but Isak was not worried about his education. No, all Isak cared about was he’d be able to see Even more often.

Tugging on his pull over sweater-vest, he’s pouting to his pappa, “What do you mean I can’t play with Even at school?”

His pappa sighs, helping him to fluff up his outfit to help make him look presentable. It’s his mamma who comes to kneel down and place her hand in his, “It’s because they have separate playgrounds, baby. But, it’ll only be for a little time, okay?”

“Besides, you can make even more friends at school! You have Eva, and you never know, maybe you will lunch together with Even.” His pappa offers.

Being the grumpy kid that he was, he’ll let out a small whine before shaking his head, “It won’t be the same.”

Sighing, his pappa and mamma take him into the arms, “This is what we get for letting Even over so much.” His mamma teases which has them all giggling.

The next thing Isak remembers is standing outside of his class with his rocket lunch box in his left hand and his power rangers backpack on his back as he tries to pose for photos. His mamma is crying while is pappa cheers him on as he poses which earns giggles from Isak, telling him how silly he was.

His teacher is soon calling in all of her year one students, and Isak realizes that Eva doesn’t have the same class as him but he promises her that they’ll play during recess. Isak plays with his lunch-box before his name is called and his teacher points to where he will be sitting and once he’s seated, his desk partner nudges his shoulder. His partner is a curly-haired boy whose hair is covering most of his face almost making him look like Even’s poodle whenever he’s wet from swimming in the pool and it has Isak worrying if the boy even has a face because all he can see is his eyes.

“Did you sneak any toys?” The boys ask and Isak raises his brows, nodding slowly, not saying a word.

“Oh good, me and you will be friends. I’m Jonas!” It sounds more like yo-nas, due to the tiny lisp that he possesses.

And from there on out, Isak and Jonas are attached to the hip. Isak and Jonas end up getting in trouble on multiple occasions during year one, mostly due to the fact that Jonas would tell the people around him that they should overturn the class to make it for them which earned him a red card. One time, Isak and Jonas ‘accidentally’ let out the class bunny which led them to have their parents being called. The amount of trouble the two got each other should’ve had both of their parents trying to have them to end their friendship but instead, they had multiple sleep-overs. Eva would play with them also whenever she was not busy hanging out with two girls named Ingrid and Sara. Isak did not care for Sara because she always tried to kiss on his cheeks and chase him around the playing structure, and one time she shoved him because he told her that he did not want to kiss her. It earned her two days inside for recess which had been a victory for Isak.

Still, it wasn’t the same for Isak. He had longed to spend time with Even during school and he’d often see him, but it was only during carpool and the passing hour for the kids to eat lunch. Whenever Isak was leaving the cafeteria, Even would be entering. The only perk of the short hellos had been that Even would sneak him little drawings of them. Isak was grateful that he learned how to read because most of them had been little comics, sometimes even doodles of them playing on the same structure. It caused his tummy to flutter like it did the majority of the time they were together.

It’s the Friday before winter break that Isak is over at Even’s house for a sleepover. Although they were together a lot of the time, especially during weekends and the times where they could play together in the others front yard after completing their homework packets. They’re laying beside one another, Isak’s head on Even’s shoulder as he watches Even play on his game-cube. Isak is calm whenever he’s with Even, not grumpy nor rambunctious like he usually is ( _especially around Jonas_ ). Isak is absolutely exhausted, wanting nothing more to close his eyes and sleep in the spot that he is in now but he doesn’t want to waste a moment with Even being awake.

All of the sudden Even is shutting his game-cube and putting on his dresser. Even tugs Isak closer to him, cuddling up to him the same way that he does so to his puppy. Isak only gets cuddles from his pappa, mamma, and Even but it’s no problem because they’re the only people who are allowed to hold him like a tiny baby. Isak misreads the situation, because just as he’s opening his lips to say goodnight, Even is speaking up,

“Some girl in my class tried to kiss me.” Even blurts out.

Oh. Isak is not happy hearing that because it causes his eyes to well up in tears for a reason that he is unsure of. The younger one is once against utterly confused about his feelings, not understanding how he’s managed to be so attached to him. Should he be happy for Even? That a girl is liking him? He knows he isn’t happy though. No, Isak feels a bit of anger towards his words, the same feeling he gets whenever other kids manage to get green cards again after being in a yellow spot.

“Did you want to?” Isak inquiries.

“No, heck no! She’s gross.” Even does a ‘blah’ nose to add to his usual dramatic actions and it earns a giggle from Isak.

“Oh. Do you think a girl pretty?” Isak tries to sound mature, just like the year three’s.

“No. I find _you_ pretty.”

A blush cascades his temples and the only response Isak has is to bury his face into Evens pajama shirt.

“Thank you.” Isak whispers and Even only giggles in response as he reaches over to turn off his light.

“Good night, Isak.” Even whispers.

**~** **♡** **~ ~** **♡** **~ ~** **♡** **~**

A year later, Isak is finally seven and Even is nine. Ever since Isak entered year two, he’s been ecstatic over the fact that he was finally allowed to be on the same playing structure as Even. It’s the third month into the school year, and Isak is currently playing with Jonas. Jonas has brought his brand-new pair of Heelys. Isak was jealous because he’d been begging his pappa to buy him a pair for his birthday but it never came. His pappa told him that maybe Santa would bring it to him for Christmas which led Isak to beg Santa in his Christmas letter for a pair. But, Jonas had been his best friend and it meant that he’d let Isak try them on to take a spin with them. It ended in Isak falling face first in the charcoal painted cement. It was a pain that Isak never felt before, and he feels something dripping down his forehead. He hears a familiar voice calling for him, but the way his head feels almost feels as if it’s distant.

“Isak! Oh, Isak!” It’s Even calling for him.

Isak _wants_ to lift his head up to look at his best friend, well not his best friend but he’s something that Isak cannot explain due to his shortened vocabulary at his age along. He can’t do so because Isak knows that’ll it hurt.

Even plops down onto his knees and reaches his hand out for Isak, and Even looks like he’s in tears. He hears a pair of feet running up to him also,

“Isak --!” Jonas gasps and he has no time to finish his sentence because Even is ordering him to get one of the playground instructors.

Once the havoc is over and Isak is sat down on one of the beds in the nursing office, Even is standing right beside his bed holding onto his head tightly. Isak is surprised that the nurse even is letting him stay with him, especially whenever he has studies to do. Once the nurse is gone to go report the incident to the front office, Even speaks up,

“You look cool, all bloody, like the super heroes.” Even tells him. Isak knows that Even is only saying to cheer him up, and Isak rolls his eyes in response.

“It hurts though. I don’t think I wanna be one.” Isak pouts, and it has Even giggling.

“You’re right, you baby.” Even teases and Isak gasps, reaching over to poke at his belly which has Even lets out a fake-moan of pain and it leads them to erupt in laughter that echoes on the walls.

As soon as the laughter dies down, Even looks down to examine the other. Isak often feels overwhelmed whenever Even pays any attention to him, especially due to the mere fact that he’s just so pretty – and Isak isn’t used to it. Even is the only pretty person that Isak has ever met, so far.

“I was scared.” Even wobbles out.

Isak’s heart nearly breaks at the sound; especially due to the fact that as Isak tilts his head up slightly to look at him, tears are welling up in his eyes. Pouting, the smaller one squeezes to the head.

“It’s okay, Evy. It’s just stitches.” Isak reassures, trying to be the more confident of the two even though Isak is absolutely petrified of having to get them.

“Still! Jonas didn’t even help you.” He scolds, anger cascading over his features.

“It’s not his fault – he wanted to make me feel happy.”

“And you got hurt.”

Isak understands he has a point, but Isak had been indeed having plenty of fun before the shoes got stuck on a rock. It was no one’s fault but Isak’s for off-roading away from Jonas, reassuring him that he was doing great.

“You can’t be mean to Jonas, I wheeled away. Besides, if you don’t like him no more, then we can’t go to his house and play on his Nintendo.” Isak reminds.

The two burst out into laughter at that, mostly because whenever Isak tried to be sassy, it sounded rather dull. The opposite of the sound he was trying to make. But it’s true, if Jonas and Even would become enemies – Isak wouldn’t know what to do with himself. He already has enough drama from Jonas and Eva with their countless teasing (his mamma tells him they must like each other!).

Before Even is able to respond, his mamma bursts through the door and immediately reaches over to him.

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

It’s in year three whenever Isak discovers what it means to have a crush. Eva had been sitting beside him on the swings whenever she confessed that she did indeed have a crush on someone. Isak had to ask her what she meant, because he’d heard the word being used around school but never knowing the exact context.

“It’s like – you know how your pappa and mamma are married? And love each other?” She asks. Once Isak nods, she’ll begin on her speech,

“Well it’s exactly that! Just, less on the love. It’s before you start loving them, when your boyfriend and girlfriend with someone. Like Even’s sister is with that one boy.”

Oh. The idea of boyfriend and girlfriend is something Isak knew about, because Even always told him stories of how gross they had been in front of Even, sometimes even kissing for a long time. Isak wondered if only boys and girls were allowed to kiss. In church with his mamma and pappa, the pastor had often preached to them about a disease called homo-something, something he was not able to pronounce. It was whenever boys and boys would kiss which had was not a good thing. His mamma had often nodded while his pappa shook his head.

One night after church whenever his mamma had stayed for the later service, his pappa sat him down on his bed. Sitting in front of him on Isak’s tiny desk chair, he places his hands on his kneecaps,

“What’s wrong Pappa?” Isak wondered.

“Nothing, my sweet boy. Pappa just wants to talk to you, okay? But it has to be between you and me.”

Isak nods because he would never want to let down his pappa especially because his pappa tells him a lot of things, like what he would get mamma for birthday and a plethora of other things. His pappa picks him up and settles him on his lap, moving Isak so he’s able to look at his pappa when he talks to him,

“I want you to know that Pappa loves you, no matter who you like. You can like a boy if you want, okay? I will always love you, Isak.”

Isak doesn’t understand why his pappa tells him this, because pastor said in church that it was bad and Isak is supposed to follow the rules of the bible. Still, Isak knew that it didn’t sound right. Because Isak had a crush on Even and pastor said it wasn’t okay – but his pappa is telling him it is. He’s so confused, so all he does is nod is head and lean up to peck on his pappa’s cheek,

“Love you, pappa.”

“How about we go get some ice cream, how does that sound?”

With a nod of the head, Isak is quickly being placed on his pappa’s shoulders with loud giggles at they both begin singing the ice cream song.

The next morning, Even is over at his house bright and early because of the carpool agreements. Isak loves mornings like this, because it means that they have more time to play together. Yet today, something seems off with him. All he’s doing is burning his gaze into Isak’s stitches, and it causes Isak to reach up and cover it.

“Evy – don’t stare.” Isak grumbles, flicking a piece of his cereal at him which has Even gasping in response,

“Don’t flick stuff at me.” Even scolds playfully, but instead of Isak respecting his wishes, he does it again.

The next thing he remembers, they’re both covered in flakes of cereal and they’re being wiped down both of his parents with scolds but they keep looking at each other, trying to repress their giggles from their parents.

Once they get to school, Even’s hand is intertwined with his as they walk through the courtyard. It’s like this most of the days, being hand-in-hand. Isak is only eight while Even is ten, and even though Even is in year five, he doesn’t seem to have gotten tired of Isak hanging off of his hand. The only problem is that despite no one saying anything for as long as he could remember, it’s a kid in year eight who speaks up to them.

He’s taller than both Even and Isak, even if Even is rather broad for his age. The year eight boy is with two of his own friends who must be in year eight as well, arms crossed over his chest as he puffs it out,

“Why are you holding hands?” The boy sneers, shaking his head in disgust.

Isak hasn’t ever heard someone speak like that before, so his only response is to hide behind Even, grasping onto his hand. It’s Even who speaks up, puffing out his chest to mirror the same dominance as the boy,

“Why do you care? Let us walk inside.” Even taunts.

The year eight boys only bark out laughter, shaking their head as if to make them to feel stupid, to even think that they’d listen to Even. Even doesn’t seem afraid, no, he looks rather upset over the situation but he doesn’t let go of his hand at any point.

“Shut up, homo. Did you not know that holding hands with boys is gross?” One of the other boys’ sneers, he’s the tallest of them all with jet-black hair. Isak had found him pretty before (not as much as Even) but any past thoughts that were positive have been drained with disgust. Why are these boys so _mean_? They must be listening to pastor in church. If only his pappa was here, he’d tell them –

“How about you shut up?” Even barks, letting go of Isak’s hand to shove at his chest. They soon break out into a fight, hair being tugged on. Isak is trying his best to break it up but one of the other boys of his posse has picked him up and dragged him off from the fight. Isak is kicking at the others legs, wanting desperately to go back to Even and help him. Once he’s sat on the ground, he’s wriggling out of the embrace of the year eight boy and heading towards the scene of the events.

When he gets there, he finds Even to have the upper hand of the fight even if he’s indeed being picked up from the situation by one of the teachers. The bully only ends up with a forming black-eye while Even is covered in brusies on his face. And it’s all because he was trying to protect Isak.

Isak feels guilty, and the face that Even appoints him as his stomach churning in discomfort. He doesn’t like knowing that if he would’ve just been a big boy and didn’t want Even to hold his hand, then this wouldn’t have happened.

He doesn’t hold Even’s hand again.

 


	2. too close yet so far away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there peeps!! i decided to rise up from the ashes to write this. i'm seeing the tags dying down and it's making me super bummed out, so this is the product of my worries. hope you enjoy! tags are in the bottom notes.

It’s his ninth birthday that Isak truly understands his feelings for Even. He’s come to terms that his emotions aren’t a mere crush and that it would be a phase in his childish days – no, it was the polar opposite. He liked Even and the boy didn’t plan on changing it, but he knew he could never utter that to anyone. No one. Since his decision to not hold Even’s hand after the assault from two years ago, he vowed that in order to protect him; he must not be affectionate to him in public in fear that Isak will have to watch as blood spewed from Even’s nose ever again.

In the two years since it’s happened, things have gotten worse for Isak. His mamma recently had her first ‘episode’, or so what his pappa called it, and it had been traumatic. Luckily, it was out of town at his grandma’s house so their neighbors would not have to watch it unveil itself – they wouldn’t witness herself having to be carried out by the police after she attacked her sister. It was last year, but it still seems like it was just yesterday and his pappa has been more than understanding to her. Since then, it’s only happened twice but she’s often sent away to a ‘good place’ that’ll help her feel better and it makes Isak ecstatic because she often comes home feeling better. Still, he longs for affection from her and it doesn’t quite feel the same in the Valtersen family. Tonight is one of those nights that it’s just pappa and himself, sitting down at the dinner table with kebab placed neatly in front of them as the devour in quickly and they tell each other of the events in these days, but it seems like something is missing.

“Pappa?” Isak inquires, curling his toes together in anticipation.

“Yes, Isak?” He wonders still focused on chewing.

Isak isn’t sure why he is inquiring, especially due to the mere fact that his pappa has reassured him that Mamma is okay and that she is just ill but since Isak could remember; he’s always been utterly curious of exactly what made her sick. She wasn’t the typical sick, no, this kind made her lash out sometimes and it often resulted in Isak hiding in the bushes in his backyard.

“What exactly is wrong with mamma?” The bloke blurts out.

That captures the attention of his elder. Instead of him pushing it away, his pappa scoots his chair back and is then patting his lap for his son, “Come here, Issy.”

Isak does as he’s told, wiggling down from his spot and hopping onto his pappa’s lap for the security it provides him. Soon, arms are wrapping around him and he’s feeling his frail body being wrapped up like a Christmas present, his head finding his shoulder.

“Mamma – mamma is a **_different_** kind of sick. You know when you get sad because of your head?” Isak nods, then his pappa gives him their shared smile before continuing; “Well… she is like that. She’s sick in her head, which means he gets very confused with what’s happening around her, or she imagines things that aren’t exactly there like you do sometimes! It’s just that her imagination isn’t the nicest of your mamma, but it doesn’t mean she is bad. She just needs some help to make her feel better, so she can come home and love you all up.” His pappa insists.

Isak nods as he takes in every bit of information, only understanding bits of it but it’s enough for him to understand.

“Okay pappa, I love you.”

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

When school starts up again, Isak and Jonas have grown more tight-knit than ever. Especially due to the fact that Eva has run off with new friends; climbing up the pedestal of social status but it does not bother Isak or Jonas since they’ve never had to rely on the presence of others to have a spectacular. Besides, year four isn’t as important. They still aren’t the upperclassmen in the eyes of others and still don’t have the burden of society weighing upon them. Even is in year six, the ripe age of eleven but he’s remarkable in looks as he’s grown – the only stunning difference is the fact that he is indeed maturing and becoming older. As Isak and Jonas lean against one another on one of the benches, his hues find Even. Even appears to be speaking to some of his friends, although his eyes seem to be trying to converse with Isak. A blush rushes up his veins to settle on his pale temples before he’s quickly standing up and telling Jonas a lie about having to go to the bathroom even if he’s only escaping to the stalls to calm himself. Isak has found himself flustering around Even more than ever recently, and he’s struggling to officially to understand why.

Once he’s finished calming himself which means he nearly tries to rub his face to death to remove the cherry-red crimson from his features when he finds Even leaning against the tiled walls and Isak wants to die. They’re best friends! He’s so confused.

“Halla, Isak. What are you doing after school? I haven’t seen you… outside of school. Did I do something wrong?”

Yes. You existed, is all that Isak thinks but he knows that’s only ninety percent of the reason. The other ten is due to the fact that his home situation was still recovering, and his pappa was beginning to prepare for his mamma to come home later in the week to grant her sanctuary for the past month she has been away. Pappa seemed excited to have her home, but he felt another emotion radiating off of him that he wouldn’t understand until he was older. Still, the Valtersen family had no time for outside forces and could only find the time to focus on the important things like school, homework, and soccer for Isak while pappa had work to attend to. It made Isak happy that he was able to spend quality time with his pappa, but he knew it wasn’t the same without his mamma. He also didn’t know if he could tell Even, not wanting to ‘spill the beans’ like his mamma used to tell him when it came to personal family matters.

“Uh – I think I do not have anything to do but it’s up to pappa –“

“Your pappa likes me! I’ll come find you at your house after school.”

And like that Even is gone before Isak can even finish. He’s setting himself up for a situation that he isn’t prepared for and then he’s stomping out of the bathroom to find Jonas and grabbing his arm to play some childish game for the two of them.

The moment that Isak steps out of the car from his carpool with Eva who went on and on about something that her friend Emma did, he finally escaped the chit-chat. He liked Eva, but sometimes she could not stop talking. Then again, Isak hadn’t been as social as Eva was and he wasn’t able to come to terms if that was good or not. Oh well.

He’s tugging on the straps of his backpack before he makes his way into his small home when he sees his pappa and Even talking about something and it’s a typical Even move, sweet-talking his way with his parents to allow Even to whisk Isak off all around just to play with him and they had no problem with it. Most of the time, Isak wouldn’t have minded but he knew that Even wanted to talk to him and not playing the dinosaur game that they played together often, even if Even did not play it right! He always wanted to give the game some kind of story when all Isak wanted to do was battle the dinosaurs. Isak is putting down his backpack and greeting the two. Before he can properly say his farewell to his pappa, Even is grabbing his hand and guiding him to his house which is like de-ja-vu but it’s predictable.

Once the two find their way in Even’s backyard, he’s forced to sit directly across from him. Isak doesn’t understand why he is so frustrated with Even, especially when Even does absolutely nothing wrong but perhaps that’s why he is so upset with him – and it confuses Isak to no end and he wishes he can tell him what’s going on with him, but something is censoring him.

“Why have you not talked to me lately?” Even interrogates.

Maybe because Isak isn’t allowed to open up to Even at the moment although they’ve vowed to tell each other everything, or that Even doesn’t understand exactly the kind of like he feels towards for him, but Even is still his best friend. No matter what happens, he will always be his number one pal.

“Just stuff – no biggie.” Isak tries to insist, but the roll of the eyes he receives makes him let out a small chuckle.

“Don’t lie.” Even orders, pointing at him not in a stern way; but in a way, that has Isak realizing that all he’s trying to do is make him comfortable. Still, Isak knows that Even isn’t exactly pushing him, probably because in the end, he’s going to ‘spill the beans’.

So, he does. He tells him the scenario of his mamma and that he’s grown busy trying to prepare for her arrival and an infinity of things that he hasn’t been able too. It’s nice because Even is so attentive and is making him feel comfortable by telling him exactly what’s been occurring in his life. Before they get up to go inside, Even speaks one more time,

“You know – your mamma will be okay. She’s the best.”

In return, Isak leans forward to give Even a peck on the cheek. He’s oblivious to the familiar blush that rises on his cheeks, blaming it on the weather. It’s _summer_ in Oslo.

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

Later that year; his mamma has another episode. This time, it wasn’t as drastic as it recently had been. No, it was as controlled that she wouldn’t have to go to rehab but it was mostly due to the medication she was given to minimize the effects. Still, Isak hadn’t been there for the beginning of it but Jonas’s mother had been dropping him off and had him situated by her side. Whenever no one answered the doorbell, it was when they were able to hear the commotion and instead of investigating, Mrs. Vazquez decided to take him back to her house where he would stay the night.

Fear had filled his veins, the mere fact that his mamma had scared him seemed to be such an uneasy concept. His mamma never harmed him, but the concept that maybe she could did not settle well with him. His pappa tried to ease his worry ways, but it didn’t quite work as well. He still loved his mamma, and did not show that fear since she was not always like that. Ninety-nine percent of the time she had been the best, but it still had the underlying tones of outlash that he would not be able to handle it. Isak wasn’t quite sure how the medication helped her, but he knew that he was too young to understand it.

Only Jonas and Even knew of his current situation, and he was thanking the heavens for them to be accepting of it. They hadn’t shown any sign of disgust or embarrassment, instead, anytime that he’d shake his head if they had ever tried to bring it up and he would respond with orders to not bring it up – they’d wouldn’t push his comfortability boundaries at all but instead steered the conversation into a different format.

He loved them.

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

It was two days after Isak turned ten years old and was to be in year four soon. Year four had only meant that he was growing up at a fast pace; but his teacher often had joked around with him that he should be bumped up due to his skills alongside Jonas. The boys had been the smartest in their grade, and it astonished many of the teachers that they didn’t want to engage in extra-curricular actives revolving academics, but instead were scolded for skating around the court-yard trying to do tricks and listening to Jonas being yelled at by Eva for not wearing a helmet while Jonas scoffed, insisting that he wouldn’t get hurt at all. 

Even had recently turned twelve, and it added onto the plethora of worries Isak had because it meant that next year – Even would attend lower secondary school which even had Isak writing a letter that would never be sent to government officials to just have them be combined so that his friendship with Even would stay intact and not become tainted by them attending different schools, c’mon, they only just were allowed to play on the same playground structures together again and Isak could not have that be bittersweet for the upcoming school year.

This summer was different. This summer, they vacationed in Reine. Isak, Even’s, and Eva’s family had decided to rent out two separate summer houses for two weeks, which Isak had no idea how his parents could afford it but it was to be a present for Isak for his birthday. They even allowed Jonas to tag along which had mended his nerves. Isak didn’t think he would be able to handle just Even and Eva without an outlet. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to spend time with Even, but Eva would be tough to handle. And if Jonas came along, he’d probably get Eva out of his hair to have Even and Isak to spend quality time together. Jonas was to come in two days since he had a family reunion, so he had time with Even.

The past few days, Even and him were tied at the hip. They went to the lake together, played games, and even convinced their parents to sleep in tents together.

While in the tent the day before Isak was to turn ten, Even had managed to take Isak into his arms and cuddle up to him while insisting that someone else’s body heat could help him warm up. Isak couldn’t protest; since science never lied. They even got scolded by their parents because they had been excluding Eva, so it turned into them having to include her but Isak liked Eva, but he wasn’t so sure Even did. Anytime that Eva would cling onto Isak too much – Even would make a comment about it with a bit of sarcasm hinted.

Isak and Even had managed to escape Eva and found themselves in their bathing suit trunks and hoodies over their upper bodies, Isak clad in UIO one and Even in some movie pattern which suited the both of them well. It’s sunset and the two are pressed up closely to one another, pinkies intertwined securely. Isak doesn’t think he can breathe – not in a bad way, but due to his excitement he’s astonished by how attached the two have been over the period of their trip and it’s only been three days. Still, they’re babbling on about something with the universe.

“I just think that it’s just weird. How come they haven’t explored the moon again? Think about it, Isak, did they really go there in the first place?” Even questions, still staring up at the night sky.

Although Even does look very pretty under the moonlight – he gasps at his response and turns to look up at him in astonishment.

“Uh – because they don’t need too! They know all they need to because they are smart and have satellites, Even. Don’t be silly.” Isak reminds.

Instead of a response, Even only looks down at him with a look that he isn’t able to name. He’s only ever received it from Even before so, it might as well be his signature look. His stomach blossoms into millions of butterflies.

Even is the first to talk,

“Truth or dare?” Even questions.

Isak should be suspicious, since the only time people should really play the game of ‘Truth or Dare’ with a large group of people, he’ll play along since he trusts Even. More than he probably should, but he’s the only person who has never let him down despite all the years and chances he has had time too. It almost makes Isak think Even isn’t touchy with him in a friendly way, but in a romantic way.

“Truth.” Isak responds, not wanting to play into one of Even’s silly tricks. The sunset is catching his attention, astonished by how the earth is able to display such a masterpiece.

Isak doesn’t think he hears Even right when he uncinated his next choice of words,

“Would you kiss me?” The older boy askes, so easily that it makes Isak’s heart leap out of his chest.

He wasn’t prepared for this moment. No, he’s not given off any sign that he liked Even in more of then a friend way and the chances that it’ll ruin their friendship by saying yes it was scares Isak. He doesn’t want to take the risk of losing Even from a mere crush, but he knows well that he couldn’t even lie to Even despite what happens.

“Why?” Is all the Isak is able to reiterate, and it has him trying to conceal his emotions.

“Would you?” Even questions, leaning closer to Isak enough to take away his air flow that helps Isak breathe but his throat is caught in his chest secure next to his heart. Nothing has prepared him for this moment, not even watching a romantic movie with Eva once before without her mamma’s permission.

All Isak can force his body to do is nod.

The next thing that happens is sparks. Isak hadn’t felt anything of the sort before in his life. It’s everything he could’ve imagined, and Isak can almost swear that the sky lights up the moment their petals touch one another. It’s a peck that lasts almost a minute, or hours, but Even mostly moves their lips together. Still, it’s the best feeling that Isak has felt. Even’s lips taste like sweetness out of a candy bag, and Isak is so baffled he isn’t able to move his lips back properly.

Although, the moment they pull back, Isak gets up and bolts. He’s running as quickly as he can towards his cabin. There’s no explanation for his actions, especially since his lips are already imprinted with Even’s and an unknown feeling is comforting him more than any blanket could. He’s also very embarrassed because he barely was kissing him back properly. Oh no, what is he doing? Still, embarrassment and endearment is filling his veins and his body is moving while his head is contemplating what the kiss meant while his emotions are on cloud nine. It’s confusing, he wants to go back and try to convince Even to kiss him back yet he’s fearful it was all just a silly joke and that it’ll never happen again.

Mind racing soon turns into it catching up to his motor skills, too focused on his mind and it leads to him falling face forward onto the dirt pavement. Instead of feeling pain, he simply turns onto his back. Adrenaline hasn’t quite caught up to his painful nerves yet. Laying down on the dirt pavement, he knows his bottom lip is busted due to blood gushing out of it. He knows that he can’t stay here, but all he can do is to have his mind wander to the exchange of lips moments before and it’s filled his heart more then he can explain. He likes Even so much that it nearly scares him – he’d spend the rest of his time with Even. It also scares him, because one day Even could not like Isak.

It’s almost as if Even has a chip on Isak, because he’s quickly rushing to his aid. Kneeling down on his knees, he’s yelling at Isak immediately,

“What the hell is your problem?!” Even yells at him, fingertips gliding around his facial features to examine him.

“Truth or dare?” Isak interrupts him, gazing up at him with puppy dog eyes that’ll have Even forgive him.

“Isak – not right now. Are you okay? I was –“

Groaning, Isak asks once again, “Truth or dare?”

Moments later, and Even suddenly realizes what Isak is trying to do so he plays along, finally.

“Truth.” Even responds, cautious of his choice.

Wiggling in his embrace, he’ll form a tiny grin that’s made special just for Even.

“Do you like me in a I-want-to-be-more-then-friends-way? Or just a friendly way?” Isak interrogates because he needs to know. Needs to know that he’s not getting his hopes up in fear that moments like these will never happen again.

The giggle the spews out of Even’s mouth has his stomach fluttering again along with the response,

“Of course, I do. You’re just too dumb to realize it.” Even teases, and Isak gasps.

Before he can respond, Even is pulling himself up while pulling Isak up as well. Once Isak is settled firmly on the earth while being wiped down by Even, Even turns around and pats his back,

“Hop on. Let’s go home, Issy.”

Isak happily obliges, hopping onto his back and tangling himself against his frame while leaning his head on shoulder, pressing a peck to his cheek.

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

As the tides change along with the sunsets array of colors, it almost seems that nothing will ever change. His life is in such a peak for Isak, especially due to the fact that it’s given him a sense of normality. No one in his family knows nor his friends know about Even and himself though, but Isak doesn’t even know exactly. All they do is peck and go back along to what the usually did before, but they’re too young to even think of it to be anything more. He’s only ten, and Even technically has cooties still. Even seems to be more open about it, but now that Jonas had finally settled in the town, Isak has had to juggle his time with the two. Luckily enough, Even and Jonas get along so he’s able to manage time between the two. It makes him happy, that he doesn’t have to worry about any conflicts between the others. Sometimes, it’s like they have a problem with Isak.

“What do you mean you didn’t like Harry Potter?” Jonas and Even question in sync.

It’s true, Isak did not like Harry Potter. The concept behind it sounded ridiculous and unrealistic in the eyes of Isak.

“I said it, and I will say it again, It’s no good.” Isak reminds, shrugging.

“Isak – you don’t even try to watch it! All you watch is treasure planet and the land before time movies.” Jonas reminds, as if it’s supposed to be an insult.

“Don’t be mad I watch good movies and you don’t.” Isak scolds.

Even can only giggle at their bickering,

“He _does_ have a point. Treasure Planet is the best.” Even agrees, and it has Isak blushing to himself.

As much as Jonas is attentive; he’s quite oblivious to Isak’s obvious crush.

“Ugh – I give up on you two. I’m going to go play with Eva.”

Clicking on his helmet, he skates off to find Eva. The moment that he’s out of his sight is whenever Even speaks up again, putting his pinky-finger out for Isak to take,

“C’mon. I wanna show you something.”

And Isak doesn’t protest because he certainly knows that Even wouldn’t trick him. Even though the two are hooked by their pinky fingers, Isak can’t quite bring himself to hold his hand again in fear that people will react the same way a few years ago, not wanting to see Even in any kind of pain – not able to get rid of the image of him bleeding due to Isak. It still surprises Isak, how Even seems to have forgotten all about it and Isak can’t bring himself to mention it again.

The air is growing thin and cold in preparation for the night, so it leads to Even tugging Isak closer to him as Isak tries to keep up with the long legs.

“Where am I being kidnapped too?” Isak teases, and Even rolls his eyes,

“It won’t be a surprise if I tell you, Issy. Get with the program.” Even teases back in the same manner, resulting in Isak flicking Even in protest that turns into a bit of playful fight, ending in Even tickling Isak on his back into the sand, shaking his head in fondness

“Fine, fine! You win.” Isak groans, pushing the older boy off of him.

Once they recover, Isak is lead to a part of the lake that he’s never seen before and it has him astonished. It’s in the back of lake, but the environment is far earthlier then the other parts of the lake mostly due to the fact that no human impact seems to have made its way to this part. Little ducks are perched at the edge of the lake with their mother guarding them and other creatures.

“It’s so beautiful.” Even comments and Isak agrees, but Even is father more of that context. It still confuses Isak, that he isn’t able to say it out loud.

He’s still so young – and Even probably notices that. He doesn’t quite know what this means for them, especially due to the mere fact that the summer for them will be over in three days and Even is off on a trip to the Americas for the rest of the summer which usually means they will lose contact. It’ll help him prepare for next year when they are separated.

“You are too.” Isak blurts and Even can only smile in response before pressing a peck to his temples.

“You know, I really do like you, right?” Even questions, as if it’s not obvious to Isak.

“I do – but I feel like I don’t show you that I like you as much as I do.” Isak shrugs in response, wanting to have an excuse for why that it is but he isn’t able to come up with a solid reason for his actions as he should.

Even interrupts his train of thought,

“I know you do.”

And that’s that. They trade a quick peck which could still be defined as awkward, especially due to the fact Isak is utterly confused by the mere affection that isn’t in a platonic way. Still, Even appears to understand Isak on such a personal level that Isak doesn’t need to speak to show his emotions for Even.

They babble on about the universe and movies for what seems like hours before they have to return home to the safety of their cabins.

~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~ ~ ♡ ~

It’s their last day in Reine, and it results in many hugs being exchanged within the group. Eva and Jonas are arguing about something of nonsense while the parents are packing up the cars and Even is nowhere to be found. It doesn’t worry Isak too much since Even is probably still asleep.

Isak’s pappa pulls him into his arms and runs his fingers through his locks,

“Did you have fun?”

“Yes, so much fun, pappa.” Isak responds, hugging his arms around him as properly as possible.

Isak is thankful for his pappa, and his mamma seems to tag into their public display of affection because she’s coming to wrap her arms around the duo,

“What is this family moment? Without me?” She scolds playfully, but it erupts into laughter amongst the three.

It seems like minutes before they’re taken out of the small bubble between them when Even makes his way out of his cabin.

Even seems to completely ignore Isak whenever he waves to him, and moves around them to get into his families’ car. It startles Isak, since Even isn’t like this. No, he’s extremely friendly. It seems to catch his parent’s attention as well because his mamma pulls away from them to go over to Even’s parents.

As he watches his mamma engage in conversation, Eva and Jonas come up to him and his pappa,

“I convinced Eva to ride back with us so we can show her, aka beat her, in some Nintendo games.” Jonas confesses, and the face that Eva makes is of pure annoyance towards Jonas.

“It seems that he forgot I will probably beat him and he’ll make excuses for why he lost.”

Isak rolls his eyes in response, and nods. All his mind seems to do is to wander towards Even and what exactly is going on with him,

“Sounds fun.” He replies.

And with that, they’re ordered to pile up in their respected cars to drive home to Oslo. He’s stuck in the middle of Jonas and Eva, and it seems that they realize that something is on his mind because they grab his attention by sliding in his favorite game which happened to be ‘Super Mario Bro’s’ for the Nintendo and hand over Eva’s Nintendo to him to play on. They cheer him on in hopes that he’ll finally defeat the final level. It still bothers him that Even isn’t here to see this. An hour into their car ride, they pull up to get food at a local restaurant then head out once again. Instead of talking amongst themselves, they all lean against one another to fall asleep.

When they wake up, they’re pulled up in Isak’s drive way and they scurry out of the vehicle to begin unpacking and say their goodbyes.

An hour later, Even’s family pulls up to their respective driveway and Isak quickly runs over to greet the family. It’s whenever Even makes his way out of the car is when tension fills the air between them. Hands tucked away in his pockets, he looks down upon Isak.

“Do you wanna play?” Isak questions.

It’s the next set of words that truly strikes a hole in his heart,

“I think we shouldn’t like each other anymore.” Even says, and then he walks off into his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: injuries, underage kissing, mentions of mental illness, internalized homophobia.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and words of advice always help me. Hope you guys enjoy this, because i'm so nervous to continue omg.


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